Life Is Hard

Life around here lately has been more difficult than usual. Between me trying to figure of my new gluten free/dairy free diet for my ulcerlative colitis and the occasional scheduling conflicts with my girls I am constantly juggling trying to read about my dx, clean, spend time with the girls and Matt, cooking/baking(which is a new challenge), and staying on top of life in general I have really struggled. There are a lot of days that I cry for feeling overwhelmed and feeling like my family or my care of myself are lacking in some way. Over the last couple days Hallie has started "demanding" my attention more(throwing fits, wanting to be held/cuddled, and constantly wanting me to be with her) this is uncharted territory seeing as we never have had this problem even when Gracie was born. I feel guilty spending time trying to take care of myself especially when she is so outwardly needing me but at some point we are hoping to find a balance. Today we had one of those moments I had just gotten Hallie settled with her lunch in time for Gracie to wake up and want to be fed. I started to feed her and Hallie wanted me to tuck her in for a nap. I explained to her she would have to wait a minute until I was finished with Gracie. She started to cry and crumpled to the floor momentarily until she realized it hadn't changed my answer, she then went downstairs, After I finished taking care of Gracie I went down to find Hallie. All the lights were off but when I peaked in her bed she wasn't there I looked around the basement and couldn't find her in a little bit of a panic I looked a little harder and found her asleep in her closet. I hadn't seen her initially because she has shut both doors. After my panic subsided I had to smile to myself and then felt guilty. I think as a mom you want to be everything that your kids need 24 hrs a day and for me I am realizing that at times then have to fend for themselves. Matt tells me all the time its good for Hallie have to do that at times...me Im not so convinced. I just never want her to question how loved and special she is to me.


I hope years from now once we figure this all out it can be a memory we laugh at and that our girls will know how much they are and always will be loved.